Special congratulations to The Boursa Exchange, which recently joined the Hyatt health club and pool. Just tryna’ ta live, as Devin tha Dude would say.
Pros of the Hyatt:
Good locker shape that allows one to hang one’s clothes.
Free bottled water (Hayat brand) at the gym. (“Never Badmouth Synergy!” –Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock.)
TVs with many, many channels at every machine.
The floor of the bathroom is heated.
Really nice weights compared to FDA (Actually all of this is in implicit comparison with FDA.)
The showers have seven jets (one of those rain ones above and six shooting from the side.)
They provide good-quality Q-Tips, which are really hard to find in Egypt (NB: Do not buy Yuke brand Q-Tips, sold at Metro Supermarket. They are horrible.)
Cons of the Hyatt:
Sometimes it’s windy at the pool.
The Egyptian branch is owned by a Saudi religious fanatic and the chain as a whole is owned by fanatical Zionists, according to a highly esteemed former professor of ours currently embroiled in a tough tenure battle.
It’s the kind of place where you have to give little tips to a lot of people. Kinda like the chorus to this J-Kwon classic.
It’s really expensive.
For our legacy subscribers, we have a very special offer: Introducing the Human Trafficam! Free of charge, we will be offering traffic updates for Qasr al-Nil and Six October bridges anytime that one of our correspondents is poolside at the Hyatt. Simply call or text your request and we’ll provide an instant update, provided we are in a position to do so. Offer valid for the above-named bridges between Zamalek and Downtown only. Some restrictions apply. New subscribers can take advantage of this amazing offer as well, for the nominal fee of LE1 per update.